Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A Stitch In Time

Last month, I bought two pairs of stylin' pinstripe trousers at the H & M on 5th Avenue. Because I'm dieting, and anticipating a slimmer future self, I went with the 32" waists, instead of the 34" which is a more accurate specification of my present girth.

I've always had a bit of a complex about my physical proportions. Once, in 3rd grade, before I grasped the concept of "circumference", the wise-ass behind me espied my label and told me that if my waist was 32" and my leg length was 26", that meant that I was wider than I was long. I fumed for a day or so until my less math-challenged friend clued me in to the geometric reality.

One enjoyable reality of my present employment is that the Man affords us an in-house tailor. Cosimo, an old-school Italian gentleman, hearkens back to a different era, the age of the one-hour barbershop haircut, the social club, the doctor who makes housecalls. Kneeling as he marks my new hemlines, he pauses for several minutes, gesturing with his chalk, to give me updates on his 92-year old father who lives in Maspeth, alone in his 6-bedroom house they have owned since they emigrated. "I could never put him in a 'Home'", he scoffs. "He has, what, only a few years left, let him live and die as he wants, in his own house, like a man." I nod. True words. Its the way I'd want to go.

My door, which was slightly ajar, swings open as a colleague barges in. He believes, perhaps, that he has given me sufficient notice because he has simultaneously, offhandedly barked the words "Knock, Knock!" before invading. He looks down at Cosimo kneeling at my feet, his face betraying a flicker of annoyance, and launches into a work-related question.

I consider his words, and say nothing. There's an awkward pause while my colleague regards me, with a "Well?" on his face. "What are you up to here, anyway?" he finally says.

I am moved to defend my time, Cosimo's time, to defend TIME ITSELF. "What does it look like? We're IN A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING!"

Moments later, Cosimo and I, now alone, regard each other briefly. Yes we are, we say to each other silently. In an important meeting.

19 Thoughts:

Blogger Doug said...

Well written, as always, Paul.

However, I can't get too worked up over a pair of well-tailored pants, and the fact that your company has an in-house tailor is interesting. Corporate servants? Glad you bonded.

Re: dieting -- I hope you're not doing anything wacky. The secret to losing weight (and death to the multibillion-dollar dieting industry, if spread) is:

1. Eat less.
2. Exercise more.

Under (1), the obvious reduction of sugars and fats is a good notion, along with the old well-balanced diet we all learned about 30 years ago.

Good luck!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 2:30:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Doug, just wanted to let you know that Cosimo really enjoyed my post. I sent him the link right after I posted it, you see, because 1. he has email, 2. he's a friend, and 3. this is a place for friends. He was, however, a little put out to be thought of as a "corporate servant". In fact, his exact words to me regarding your comment were: "So who is this jerk?"

I didn't really have a good answer, so I think I just shrugged and said, "Who knows? The internet attracts all sorts of wackos."

Way to respect a man and his occupation, dude. Keep it up, I'm sure he'll forgive you for your condescension after the revolution.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 7:03:00 PM  
Anonymous kyahgirl said...

Dudes! swords or pistols? :-)

Your co-worker sounds like a bit of a jerk actually-busting into your office then demanding to know what you're doing.

Your work culture sounds so different from mine, but then that's the big city compared to blue collar I guess.

Is 26" your leg length? I'm confused.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 7:07:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Yep, thanks Kyah, just amended the post to make it clearer.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 7:39:00 PM  
Blogger pigletson said...

My office has a Poland Spring bubbler right behind my desk. The filter has not been cleaned since I started working there in October of 2004. As a result, it smells a bit funky in my corner of the office. I suppose I could complain but I don't really care. I'm used to it. I think I speak for all my co-workers when I say that the office is really just like a second home, except it seems totally acceptable to not pick up after yourself and/or leave food in the fridge for months on end. It's like the home I never had... unless you count my college apartment.

As for the exercise-- Pawlr, as silly as it sounds, I have started going to the gym regularly... and I feel SOOOO much better. It seems to cure everything-- exhaustion, irritability, depression-- you know, all the states of mind I have become so accustomed to. I like running. The only thing that I really don't like about exercising (and I really should save this entire subject for a separate post but I'm already here so what the hell) is the gym; or, more specifically, the locker room. Shameless, I tell you. I have never seen so many sagging breasts in my life. And not only are they sagging breasts, but they are PROUD sagging breasts. It seems that the larger and more unattractive they are, the longer they choose to prance around completely nude in the locker room. And this phenonmenon occurs ALL THE TIME. I don't understand why the thinnest and/or hottest girls have devised creative ways of dressing and undressing without showing a glimpse of skin while all the "More To Love" body-types are naked and squatting on the carpet, rubbing lotion into their cellulite-ridden thighs. Have any other women noticed this? Do men do this? What's it like in the mens' locker room? Is it the cliche (everyone laughing and talking shit and flicking towels at each other's asses), or is it really quiet and kind of awkward? And lastly (and this goes out to both genders), when you see someone talking on a cell phone in the locker room do you ever get an urge to kill them?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Pigletson - Yes, the men's locker room is a great place. Many opportunities for fun.

One of my favorite pastimes, once I'm naked, is to seek out the richest-looking, most successful-seeming guy in the place. You can usually identify this fellow by the way he hangs his clothes, his coif, the expensiveness of his shoes and/or jockstrap. Once I find my target, I angle in and position myself behind him. Then I say in a really deep, gutteral, somewhat suggestive voice: "Hey Bro, good workout today, huh".

I'm really not an intimidating in any way physically - I'm pale, out of shape, relatively short of stature. I have a couple of abstract tattoos which cause some confusion. However, I usually get some sort of reaction - a quick anxious turnaround that calibrates immediately to a defensive macho posture. Then, depending on how secure the guy is, what ensues is either a short exchange about reps (insecure) or a generally friendly banter about women, life, and work (secure). Or some combination thereof.

Try it on the fatties in the chick's lair, its fun!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Medea22 said...


In between assignments and almost off to class. Distracted myself with a peek at your blog, though I really don't have the luxury of time. I put off to the last minute as much as possible.

Hey I'll take those fat naked chicks in the locker room anytime over what sounds like a bunch of prudish, waspy, skinny girls. I expect to see naked people doing all sorts of grooming rituals in a gym locker room. Whether I like their bodies or not is besides the point. Sounds like she's looking a whole lot. And it sounds like she is really disappointed that she can't catch a gander of those "hot girls" she refers to in her post.

you know what really grosses me out that is both unnecessary and uncouth?

A man doing a farmers blow inches behind while I am starting my morning.

Now that's a hands up in the air situation.

gotta finish my homework like a good schoolgirl. Poor Cossimo. Ditto that for fat bottomed girls.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 1:40:00 PM  
Blogger pigletson said...


I was not insinuating that I WANT to see any old naked thin girl; just commenting on how I have found most of the thin gym girls to be modest while all the fatties shamelessly parade around in their birthday suits.

But then, what's wrong with seeing a naked attractive girl? And since when do only WASPs go to the gym?

Lastly, it is hard not "to look a whole lot" when there are two naked cows blocking me from opening a locker.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 3:44:00 PM  
Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh people, come on, it's a freakin' locker room! What the fuck difference does it make if people are fat or thin? Who gives a shit? Fat women are not 'parading,' they're just doing what they're supposed to do in the locker room, which is why it's co-ed, you know, "we all have it," so we don't have to by shy and incovenience ourselves like prudes.

Personally, if I had a fat cow or a rail in front of me I'd look, just like I'd look at a fat cow or a rail in the country, and move on to whatever I was doing.

PS pawlr, mind if I ask, what line of work is it that you get tailored clothes? Nice touch!

Thursday, April 06, 2006 11:19:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

I'm employed by the Time Warner media mothership. But not for long, I'm soon to leave to pursue more creative endeavors. Thank the fucking gods.

Friday, April 07, 2006 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger pigletson said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Friday, April 07, 2006 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger pigletson said...

Oy vey... here we go.

No one ever told anyone to put on clothes. No one ever told anyone that their bodies were repulsive. I am merely opining. I can think whatever I'd like about whomever I want. Acting on my feelings (no matter how discriminating, unfair or cruel they may be) is what would be fucked up and wrong. And not being totally kosher with being buck naked in a tight, crowded room full of strangers does not make someone a prude.

So walk around nude, brush up against me, sit on a locker room bench without putting a towel down first-- go right ahead. I won't stop you and I won't say a word. Just don't ask me not to write about how gross it is on a blog!

Friday, April 07, 2006 2:29:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Hi, friends.

Please allow me to interject here a brief anecdote from Dangles-ville, a.k.a. the men's locker room at my neighborhood gym.

As you can imagine there are fellers all a-dangle, moving between showers, lockers, mirrors and sauna -- some to the point of wanton exhibitionism. Plenty of penises and buttocks and nipples and flab and tattoos, but really this presents us with no new concepts, as it is the natural state in a locker room.

(Though it is new and funny to think of it as a Penis Parade set to music of your choice. Hehe.)

But now I would like to report on a locker room faux pas that surely dwarfs anything put forth by the ladies in the present thread. There is a beer-bellied gentleman (nothing wrong with that) in his fifties (OK, fine) who has a thick rug of back hair (we can still deal) and who stands FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES UNDERNEATH THE AUTOMATIC HAND DRYERS DRYING HIS BACK HAIR.

Thank you and good night.

Friday, April 07, 2006 9:58:00 PM  
Blogger Palmer said...

that's pretty awesome. hedge-hogging the automatic dryer!

Monday, April 10, 2006 4:25:00 PM  
Blogger Zeppellina said...

Well, I`ve always been slim, but never a prude........!!!!!!!
Slim ladies know how to have fun too, you know......!!

Walking a great excercise, too many people use the car these days for extremely short journeys!!

Thursday, April 13, 2006 6:04:00 PM  
Blogger Medea22 said...

Wowsa. Back hair blowout. I've seen people clipping their nails on mass transit...but as a broad I've never witnessed the likes of that in a gym locker room.

I regret if there was some tersiary connection with slimness and prudishness in my posts (waspy puritanical judgement of our fuller figured sisters was all I was commenting on).

I have not doubt that you are a hottie that knows how to have fun, sight unseen. And those who have had the pleasure of cupping my ass can attest to both my neat, sweet, petite frame..... and to a liberating lack of prudishness.

So yes...Zeppellina. You have an Amen. Slim ladies do know how to have fun too.

Friday, April 21, 2006 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Plus some slender gurls are quite bendy. Which can be fun.

One thing I've often admired is a slim gal who can just really eat like a hog. As long as she's not pulling a regurge in secret.

It's like, where is it all going, she just keeps packing it into this small belly. It's aphysical, like antigravity. And there's no denying the sex appeal of that.

Saturday, April 22, 2006 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Medea22 said...

yes yes antigravity is sexy.

I ate a whole box of chocolates while contorting...no regurging to speak off...the tape worm takes care of everything.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 6:45:00 AM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Chocolate doesn't count. It's great when a Slim Kim can really go to the trough. Porterhouse, mashers, brie, kale, trout, tofu, bacon, prawns, gnocchis, moussaka.

Or just a pile of mozzarella sticks.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 1:00:00 PM  

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