Sunday, March 26, 2006

Suckle Me, Succubus.

I was a mere acolyte, treading gingerly through my first fortnight in the blogosphere, when I was accosted by a menacing presence. I froze at the sight of its inscrutable hulking mass.

You were Cyberpolsters, clerics of the blog, a literate if unruly band with massive experience points and a flare for sexually-charged dialog. Clearly you had encountered trolls before, because you dispatched the slimy beast with aplomb.

The last time I'd heard any mention of trolls was ages ago in my prepubescence, long nights sifting through the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. Therein one finds trolls described as "horrid carnivores" that "know no fear and attack unceasingly." The loathsome, ahem, "members of a troll have the ability to fight on even if severed from the body." Next time we see one we're supposed to burn it or immerse it in acid.

Among the hundreds of creatures "malevolent and benign" catalogued by the Monster Manual, Fiend Folio, and other D&D compendia, one was permanently emblazoned in my memory. She was the succubus.

My neighborhood Dungeon Master, a slightly older kid with an assertive creativity, would initiate the encounter. We wizards and fighters only had to hear the first few words – "naked, beautiful, woman" – and we suspected a succubus. We went giddy with both fear and desire. What young man could resist? Who could avert his gaze? A breast! Two! An imagined teardrop ass and shadows down below. Long locks, full lips, arched contours and … wings! Fucking wings! Do you understand the amorous implications of wings? Would they mean something medieval, something raw, some good hard fucking? Or would she just flutter and levitate, inches above your expectations? Lord help us.

She was compelling, but I wasn't old enough to know exactly how her parts and mine were supposed to work together. I certainly didn't understand the promise and the fraud. After all she was a devil, a hell-denizen, and when we found her in a game I think we just ran away scared.

Guys, I know I wasn't the only one who lingered too long on the succubus page while searching for data on shriekers and hell hounds. Girls, did you each have your incubus?

33 Thoughts:

Blogger Demotiki said...

Man, that Monster Manual drawing brings back many a childhood fantasy. Suckle me Succubs for sure.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 4:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Gm said...

My parents didn't let me see Grease because it was about a girl who is thinking about offering up her virginity on the alter of young lust. Likewise, D&D was forbidden in my house for similar reasons. (I guess my parents were afraid I would become a chaotic evil dark elf?)

Call me twisted, but the D&D character that twisted my pubescent knobs was the guy who PLAYED D&D. It seemed so naughty and otherworldly. Needless to say, I married him.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 5:10:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Demo, thanks, I knew I wasn't the only one.

And thank you, gm, for triggering the image of Olivia Newton John in elf tights. I guess your folks would have called me ruined. Thing is, the game as I remember it was mostly about nonsexual things. At my age it was nerdy boys imagining exotic lands and magical potions, tinctures, ointments, and elixirs. Hmm, I guess that is kind of sexy. I wonder how many women put "D&D experience" on their list of desired qualities in a mate?

Sunday, March 26, 2006 7:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What tormented me in my youth was the Ken doll. What exactly was beneath those plastic tighty-whiteys that Matel fashioned so cleverly on him to protect the minds of young girls?

My best friend and I knew that whatever was contained in those briefs had to do with Barbie and him being in bed together. Naturally our Barbies would sleep with our Kens but Barbie didn't kiss and tell.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 8:23:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Ken and Barbie weren't alone. There was a deep unsettling force in Camelot, and it's name was GI Joe.

My older sister and her tomboy friend vehemently eschewed the few Barbies in the toybox and played exclusively with Joe. That was fine with me. There was lots of, like, miniature weaponry around. There never was a Ken doll in the house, so I grew up thinking Barbie and Joe were a handsome couple. One day I saw a Ken and Barbie set at some other kid's house and I was scandalized.

Joe had a beard and commando vehicles. Who was this proto-metrosexual with the weak chin clinging to Barbie?

Monday, March 27, 2006 6:26:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

As Paris would say, "that's HOT".

The fuck-power of Joe and Barbie is much greater than the limp and androgynous Ken, as each are the alphas of their respective genders.

Imagine the "enfant terrible" they would spawn - beauty and violence intermixed.

Monday, March 27, 2006 7:41:00 AM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

It must have been no coincidence that Barbie, Ken, and Joe were all made to the same scale. Maybe the love-starved toy designers, hunched over workbenches in dark basement studios, got vicarious jollies by setting the stage for a sordid dollworld love triangle.

Monday, March 27, 2006 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Very funny! I hadn't seen that picture in ages. I was an occassional D&Der, but I did have the books (stopped playing, which seemed a little too weird to me -- this from a weirdo, and no offense intended, retrospectively, and just read the books.) I think that led me to Tolkein.

Honestly, the fantastical accoutrements didn't matter. I was focused on the nudity only, as I recal, as we all were when we stole somebody's father's Penthouse in first grade.

I was in love with Olivia Newton-John in Grease, which my wife enjoys (the film), and some insight into men of my age can be gleaned, as I told her, from a combination of ON-J's character in that film plus early Van Halen videos, "Hot for Teacher," especially.

On scaling dolls -- I think the answer lies in production methods more than anything else...just like car frames, test-prep books, and just about everything else!

Monday, March 27, 2006 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Endless Dick said...


so your husband is your incubus. Sounds like you got him right where you want him :)

-endless dick

Monday, March 27, 2006 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

I completely missed out on D&D but probably would have enjoyed it. Went through a long sci-fi/fantasy phase in my 20's.

As for illicit play as kids-oh yeah, we have the Barbie/Ken/Joe three way thing going. I remember it clearly. I also have a vivid memory of a giggling gaggle of kids in the neighborhood sneaking into a bit of forest near our area. We had discovered TREASURE! Some of the older boys had left a small collection of skin magazines. Even as a young girl, I could appreciate the appeal of lovely naked female bodies. We, the younger kids (male and female) looked them over in detail. I can still the glazed eye, drooling looks of the boys in our group but was too young to really figure it out.
Some of these memories explain why I'm pretty open about discussing sexual things with my kids, even though they are quite young. I remember that we were interested and curious LONG before puberty!

Monday, March 27, 2006 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Ah, the old magazines-in-the-woods trick. A true classic.

Monday, March 27, 2006 12:37:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

I too, had my experience in the wyld forest with the fixed image of female power. Behind my best friend's house, we snuck, and reached gingerly into a dank hole of a stump and pulled out the lurid treasure.

The mold on the centerfold could not completely obscure the delicately downed and glossified flesh beneath.

Monday, March 27, 2006 12:40:00 PM  
Anonymous GM said...

Endless Dick,

Yeah, I've got him where I want him...Right until he sits down in front of the computer to play Everquest. :)

Monday, March 27, 2006 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I TOTALLY missed out on D & D ...

I find it interesting how things 'medieval' are commercialized these days ...

I remember reading some scholar who was more than happy to deconstruct the archetypal monsters of the medieval mind. Maybe a succubus was created to justify wet dreams among the priesthood. Or maybe the incubus was created to explain an unexpected pregancy in a unwed woman.

"Hey, the incubus did it!"

Monday, March 27, 2006 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

My D&D phase lasted a few months. I remember ditching it like the plague just before the transition to junior high, 7th grade. I was aware, probably through peer pressure, that having a role-playing character named Mordon, as I did, was no way to gain acceptance with the shorties. Mordon, yikes.

It was a short-lived foray into fantastic realms but Succubus was seared into my psyche. She was always so nice, so solicitous. I never had to prove myself and she seemed to love me despite my imperfections.

Monday, March 27, 2006 4:28:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

You know, Manola, I can think of another explanation, or factual account if you like, of one particular unexpected pregnancy. Just pick up a King James edition. No incubus required.

Monday, March 27, 2006 4:37:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

That's the silly part about Christianity - OK, God sends Gabriel goes out to whatever podunk town Mary's living in. Once there, Gab pimps her to God. Then God comes down in a beam of light and slips her the goods. Where's the romance?

Monday, March 27, 2006 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Some would say the romance is in the Da Vinci Code. Not the Tom Hanks part.

Monday, March 27, 2006 5:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Nicholas Mycroft said...

So shy was I in seventh grade that sexual activity and orc-slaying were both matters of fantasy.

These days anything you can imagine you can find on a screen somewhere. I am glad I grew up when there was an unknown to wonder about.

Monday, March 27, 2006 5:31:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Welcome, Mycroft.

Do you mean to tell us that you hadn't slaughtered goblins or sucked boob by your 12th birthday? Not to worry, perhaps you had a wild 13th? 18th? 25th? 39th? Stop me, please.

It's never too late to pursue either one. Orlando Bloom seems to be doing OK for himself.

Monday, March 27, 2006 5:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Nefertiti's Ghost said...

Nick - So are you saying that observing the unknown is the same as doing it? Help a girl out here!

Monday, March 27, 2006 6:03:00 PM  
Blogger Nicholas Mycroft said...

No orcs yet but I did eventually get laid.


there were no naked women around when I was young nor any explanations of how sex worked and when we played we used sticks for spaceships and carved whole worlds out of snow. nowadays the young folk have all the images and information they want and can wander around other universes via tv and xbox. they know it all and have no need to invent anything if they don't want to.

Monday, March 27, 2006 6:28:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Nicholas, maybe you've read the amazing micro-essay "Toys" by Roland Barthes. He, too, lamented the fact that toys "literally prefigure the world of adult functions" and that they "always mean something" entirely socialized and constituted by the routines of modern adult life: the military, post office, medicine, beauty care.

He thought that the preponderance of these toys over dynamic forms, such as blocks and clay, only forced the child to accept the things that adults find usual: "war, bureacracy, ugliness..."

Barthes argued that a simple set of blocks "implies a very different learning of the world," one in which a child has the freedom to create objects which aren't necessarily meaningful in the adult sense.

Interesting to note that Barthes, a Frenchman, wrote this in 1957.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 7:13:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

What would Barthes say about Barbie? I can only imagine.

The thing that always freaked me out about Barbie is that she's really not very female at all, she's hard and plastic and vaginaless.

I think Barbies are popular with girls who want to compress their budding sexuality into a neat little package. Then they can compete with each other to see who's femininity is more powerful.

But isn't this the what society is doing on a larger scale, not just with toys?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 10:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Nicholas Mycroft said...

many an hour I whiled away playing with my Roland Barthes doll until my evil friend Timothy brought a toy camion de la blanchisserie over and ended my innocent youth in a splatter of molded plastic.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 4:40:00 PM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Hah! Clever, Mycroft. But please reassure me that you constructed your Barthes doll from first principles and raw materials. Neither Barthes himself nor the adult you would tolerate a prefab.

Did the Roland Barthes doll have a discernible penis? Ken did not.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 6:18:00 PM  
Blogger pigletson said...

When I was young I really disliked the dolls that you were supposed to "take care of" (i.e. push around in the stroller, bottle-feed, etc.) but I was always into Barbie (as well as My Little Pony and Pound Puppies. But that could be a whole different post.). And what I discovered is that even though she is without nipples or a vagina she is still totally fuckable-- at least from an 8 year old's point of view. I mean, when you're 8 you don't really think about the fact that sex involves penetration. All you really know is that there's (A) lots of big, exaggerated moans and grunts and (B) some sort of jerking action in the crotch area. Barbie was always great at simulating both.

Remember-- it's not always about the vagina. You've just got to have an imagination and a hot doll.

But then again, why be picky? Not all human beings are good-looking, so why should dolls be any different? Imagine a Cabbage Patch Kid getting gang-banged by a gaggle of penisless Kens....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 12:33:00 AM  
Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I have to be concerned if "frenchman," "doll" and "theorist" are in the same sentence ... but ... anyone harking tones of Freud's uncanny, doppelganger here ... come on, dolls were just us, in our wild imaginations!!! (And as well they should be!!!)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Yes, Manola, be very afraid. Nonetheless the brilliant old goat de Paris did leave us with gems on numerous topics. He once wrote that, "The mythology of Einstein shows him as a genius so lacking in magic that one speaks about his thought as a functional labor analogous to the mechanical making of sausages..."

And now back to Malibu Barbie.

Pigletson. I agree that Barbie's privates were mostly irrelevant. Instead, I was vexed that she couldn't stand up. Her dainty pointy feet were the products of some industrial binding process that left her leaning on Joe for support. He sported a pair of government-issue shitkickers that allowed him to stand sentinel all night long. Stock-still, rock-hard, and sexual like the steles of Tunisia.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 7:47:00 AM  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

(A) lots of big, exaggerated moans and grunts and (B) some sort of jerking action in the crotch area.

LOL-that is the funniest description of sex I've read in a long time.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger iBegToDither said...

Funny and appropriately cynical.

FYI, there is a common configuration of bodies in wrestling matches called the crotch-and-crossface. It's a little hard to explain, and despite the name nobody really gets buggered, but you'll often hear coaches, fans, moms, and girlfriends yelling, "More crotch! More crotch!"

Sublime sport.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 11:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Nicholas Mycroft said...

is that a stele on your stoa or are you just glad to see me?

the Barthes doll was hung. really hung. semioticians are notorious in that regard. expertise in semiotics is an even better indicator of wangsize than large hands and feet. so naturally any representation of a semiotician must indicate a magnanimous member.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger Charlie Brown said...

Old school Monstrous Manual drooling. I think I stopped jerking off at the Nymph/dryad/succubus in late 2nd edition.

Friday, March 31, 2006 3:34:00 AM  

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