Friday, September 09, 2005

A Letter to Wingnuts

I pass this along . . . btw, all the citings are actually from the Bible.

Dear George Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you oppose same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share your knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual relationships, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Pacific Islanders, but not Australians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Australians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is with my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I call up the police and ask them to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play soccer if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? [Lev.24:10-16]. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? [Lev.20:14]

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours sincerely, Weak Willed Willy

7 Thoughts:

Blogger Doug said...

Did you write that? Hilarious!

Wingnut indeed.

Saturday, September 10, 2005 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Zeppellina said...

This is very good!!
Well thought out and written!
So funny!

Saturday, September 10, 2005 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Demotiki said...

No it's not mine, I wouldn't have the time to look up all those quotes from the bible. However, I do remember that the prohibition on homosexuality is right next to, and of equal weight, as the prohibition on shellfish eating. Anyone who looks at an outdated work of historical fiction for his life view is a moron. The only argument they can forward is, "its God's word!" I sure hope that if there's a God, he could make a better book than that piece of crap.

Saturday, September 10, 2005 2:47:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Oh, it's got some great literature in there: Job, Ecclesiastes. It's when you take it literally as the word of God and thus of absolute morality that you get into trouble. And cause trouble for others.

Saturday, September 10, 2005 3:39:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Song of Solomon, boys. Enabling hippie love for two millenia. Yow!

Saturday, September 10, 2005 5:08:00 PM  
Blogger Demotiki said...


It's fine as a "pretend" story, but how could you take that shit seriously? It's like believing in Santa or the Tooth Fairy. The literal word of God, come-on, that doesn't even pass the laugh test. That's about as silly as saying that the Republicans are for fiscal conservatism and limited government - nobody can take you seriously if you make such silly statements.

Saturday, September 10, 2005 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Santa's not real?

Monday, September 19, 2005 2:02:00 PM  

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