Tuesday, August 09, 2005

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.



In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

11 Thoughts:

Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Well, at least you made me laugh.

Why does all of this controversy originate in Kansas?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 6:43:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Check out some rational discussion here.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 7:08:00 PM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Doug, do you know which school board in Kansas is including (Un)Intelligent Design, or is it the whole state?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 9:42:00 PM  
Blogger GodlessMom said...

His Noodly Appendage? That's great!

My mom is from Kansas. It explains a lot!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Dig this, Paul.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

And there are supposedly similar initiatives in other school districts and states across the country: Here.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 8:11:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Whoops; for the rest of the nation, try here.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

What is the scientific basis for ID again? Oh yeah, just _look_ at the miracles of life. How could they not be cut from whole cloth?

Just _look_ at the sun, after all, it goes around the earth!

ID's success in Kansas is a marketing victory enabled by a U.S. media which is occasionally able to debunk facts, but terminally incompetent in debunking false arguments.

Evolution has many questions attached; so does Quantum Mechanics, so does Gravity, so do most of science's laws. But paradigm shifts don't occur by polling the ignorant and religious "wishful thinkers". ID has to present actual logic and evidence for its own position -- until then, the educated world will rightly laugh and pass by this snake oil tent.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 9:14:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

There is no scientific argument. For the best version, pre-Darwin, when it actually was a theory of at least some weight (yet to be refuted), dig William Paley's Natural Theology. For a total destruction of this argument -- before Darwin, on purely philosophical grounds! -- see David Hume's Dialogues on Natural Religion.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Demotiki said...

Al Franken did a funny bit on this subject. He had a interview between a Native American and a Jesus Freak. The Native American says, "I am happy that the creation story is being taught along side the theory of evolution. Finally students will learn how Hahgwehdiyu planted maize (what you call corn) in his mother's (Atahensic) body and created the world." The Jesus Freak then gets all pissed off because it's not his idea of creation.

Science is science and polling doesn't change where the truth lies.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Check this out on ID.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 2:46:00 PM  

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