Monday, July 18, 2005

The Great Divide

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to
the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay!

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and
Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the
red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for
no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of
the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors,
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal
Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92 percent of all the mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson, the University of Georgia, and The Citadel.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you!

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11
and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher
morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the chronic, too.

You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.


(Happily) in New California

15 Thoughts:

Blogger Demotiki said...

Oopps, I didn't write this . . . someone just sent it to me. I certainly don't advance the notion that smoking pot is a good thing. I just didn't want to remove that part because I liked the idea of demeaning Mexican exports.

Monday, July 18, 2005 5:46:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Well, I was about to congratulate you on a hilarious post...oh, well...

Monday, July 18, 2005 5:50:00 PM  
Blogger Palmer said...

Dunno. Red States versus Blue States is less interesting than my Fantasy Baseball league. It's like Left versus Right--it's not my sensibility, not my language.

Pigeonholes...and I ain't no pigeon!

Monday, July 18, 2005 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger Palmer said...

Not to mention that the post was racist, elitist, self-important, and out of touch.

Baby swallowed some of what his speedy connection done fed him. That's all good.

But be careful what you spit up...

Monday, July 18, 2005 8:14:00 PM  
Blogger Demotiki said...


I have no idea what you are talking about. This nothing new. I never knew what you were talking about.

Did you hear the new study that showed that 76.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 12:22:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Hey, Mike:

Well, first off, this post is a joke.

Of course, "red" vs. "blue" is a fiction. If 55% vote one way or the other, that says little about the state other than marginally, especially considering how many *don't* vote.

Not all evangelicals are rightwing. I know this from experience, not just from reading -- I have born-again leftwing friends.

Some of the points, however, are valid -- like the divorce rate, etc. I find it amusing to point out the hypocrisy of the Christian right "values" voters.

I don't know how calling us babies is any less elitist than this post, but I take it as equally satirical/jokey. On the heels of being self-important, racist, etc.

Anyway, if right/left isn't your language, what is? This is not a rhetorical question: what are you looking for, language-wise?

I know I'm quite content to have a resurgent progressive movement: healthcare, job training, education, election reform, etc. You know, the old non-sexy stuff -- call it what you will.

What's your suggestion for where we ought to be going now, as a nation?

Good to hear from you...Dug

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Mike told me he got a fascist plantar tendon!

That's why he goosesteps so much when he plays B-Ball!

So lets not pay any attention--he's just trying to divide us!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Palmer said...

divide then conquer...mwahahaha...

allright...this is getting more like fantasy basketball...

the whole left-right thing comes from robespierre and the french assembly, right? also, left is sinistral, right is dextrous. leftover versus right on the money (and who's money are we talking about?).

sometimes "satire" can be too cute. how many posts are from folks in the red states?

false dichotomies abound...

but at least pujols had a monster game last night.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Hey, Mike:

We actually do have some red-staters ("red-staters") on this blog. They comment a lot: Allen Thornblough (check out Thornblog link), Jamie Dawn, and Scott [?] -- all of whom are rightwing Christian Republicans.

I've offered that they initiate posts, rather than comment, but they seem happy to comment away; we comment on Thornblog all the time -- in fact we had a three-week "experiment" in which we'd each guest-post via a member on each other's blog. Worked out nicely, I think.

Which reminds me -- if you'd like to initiate posts, rather than just respond to what others post, e-mail me and let me know. I'll hook you up. This is a completely open blog.

On right-left, you might be right, but I thought that came from the English parliament -- same idea, though, so this is merely a quibble.

As Paul, Andrew, et al, will tell you, if you come with the semiotics/Lakovian analysis, you'll get a happy welcome here. I'm the ornery "anti-"Lakovian. I guess I'm too far left to worry about the Word; I'm more concerned with the Deed -- such as the upcoming announcement of the offensive (pun intended) militarization of space, over Chinese and Russian objections, which will destabilize the world all the more so.

Did you watch the Chomsky lecture? I'd say it's right up your alley.

Anyway, I would want to know your diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment of our sick body politic. I can imagine, from years back, what you'd say, but that was then and this is now. So, seriously, what's your take? Frame it (pun intended) however you like. :)

Btw, Sev says hello. Saw him in NYC recently...


Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Also, Mike, this blog is mostly about politics, but not only, as the tagline states.

Talk about whatever you like.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger pawlr said...

Mike, just watch out for Doug -- he will try to conflate semiotics and Lakoff in an effort to confuse you, in order to tar with a broad brush anything that smacks of "post-moderism" when in fact they have very little to nothing in common. Look out!! :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Establishing a "frame" for Mike, Paul?

I trust in his innate rationality to judge for himself. ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 2:20:00 PM  
Blogger Palmer said...

Who's demotiki? And how does he know me?

If he's Andrew, when did he learn how to spell? = )

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 5:56:00 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

He is Andrew, in the flesh -- electronically speaking. He's allergic to spellcheck, I guess. ;)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 6:21:00 PM  
Blogger Zeppellina said...

Thought it was quite funny actually, with some whacky statistics in there!
Oh, don`t take life too seriously palmer, there`s precious little of it, and it goes by so fast!

Thursday, July 21, 2005 5:24:00 PM  

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